Freedom and Commitment

Lately my life has changed quite dramatically. I have ended a seven year relationship, engagement and several friendships as a result of my actions. How I feel about all this I am still reserving judgement on; the reasons I chose to make these decisions are perhaps as much of a mystery to me as the people involved.

One thing I do know is that over the last year I have become increasingly uncomfortable with the choices I have made. These choices, to me, had begun to take away my freedom and I began to feel something I had never felt in the previous six years of my relationship - tied down. Suddenly I was being asked to make choices that were irreversable - to make a decision about how I would feel about someone in 20, 30 or 40 years. For someone who finds it difficult to commit to a lunch choice, let alone a relationship, this was simply terrifying.

In the end the feeling of being tied became so constricting that I could no longer ignore it; I literally woke up one morning and knew I had to be free. At first I thought a decision not to get married would be enough to rescue the situation but it soon became clear that things had gone too far; I had been in a dark tunnel for too long and now I needed not only to breathe fresh air but to run up the nearest moutain and be surrounded by nothing else. I had no choice but to walk away from the relationship that has made me who I am - that despite its flaws was a loving and happy relationship.

The feeling of freedom at first was like an adrenalin rush. I felt light as air, like I could do anything, be anyone, that I suddenly had back the control over my life that I felt I had lost. Of course I knew this would ultimately not last and with one too many foolish decisions and choices made on the principle that I was now free to do as I wanted the inevitable happened and the crushing low of loneliness and the feeling of being totally alone in the world followed.

Now all that new and unsettling emotion has been replaced by something else - a sense of relief at the burden lifted perhaps, certainly excitement about what the future will hold, but also fear and sadness for the comfort and love I have left behind. Perhaps also a little fear about my own unpredictable emotions and behaviour. I have never been a particularly level person, preferring instead to go with however I feel at a particular moment and this can lead to some fairly disasterous results. Without a steadying influence I have no idea how things will go, although perhaps this is for the best and part of what makes life such a joy to live.

I know now that my big mistake was to commit before I was ready. Before all the wedding and marriage talk I was happy; and I slowly eroded my relationship away  because I couldn't commit to forever. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe the relationship wasn't right, maybe i'll never know. I cannot now turn the clock back and change the past and make things clearer. In the end the only thing I could commit to right now was being free.