The 'line'

As I try to redefine relationships in my life, in the words of a great song, 'flames to dust, lovers to friends' I have got to wondering about the lines between friendship, lovers, partners and everything in between. When I was younger it seemed easy to slot people into these categories however these days I am finding it increasingly difficult, not just from my own perspective, but in judging other peoples motives and actions.

Having perhaps blurred one too many lines recently, I am now finding it hard to put things back on the 'right' side of the line. Maybe this is because modern day relationships have simply become 'blurry', or maybe this is simply because once you have crossed the 'line' it is simply not possible to ever completely reverse this. If the latter is true, I wonder what you are left with and if any friendship can really survive, or if so what it will become.

Turning a relationship into a friendship has to be the most difficult transition possible, and whilst attempting this I have come to realise that, in the beginning at least, it is almost impossible. I think in reality the solution is not to attempt to turn a relationship into a friendship, but to finish a relationship and then, after an appropriate amount of time, begin a friendship. Any other scenario simply becomes too complicated and damaging for at least one party.

An interesting side effect of being single is that I have found I am no longer sure when relationships with guys (or girls) are in danger of crossing the line between friendship and something else potentially unwanted. Whilst I was with my ex, I would have thought nothing of suggesting dinner or a drink with a male friend, in fact there were many occasions on which I did just that. Now however, I feel I have to be a little careful in case it is taken the wrong way. It would seem ridiculous to preface any such suggestion with 'obviously just as friends' and so I just refrain from such suggestions altogether. Contrastingly however, I would never take such a request from a guy as anything other than friendly unless given specific reason to, although further questions open up here as to what is a 'specific reason'; there are so many remarks that can be taken either as friendly or something more that it is difficult to tell anyones intentions unless they are explicit as to what they intend. Perhaps I am a little naive in always presuming the best in people here - this has unfortunately got me into trouble more than once in the past and I really should learn that just because I would never consider trying anything with anyone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend does not mean that the same is true of everyone else.

Whatever the answer is to any of the above, I should perhaps learn not to blur lines unless I am willing to deal with the consequences, and perhaps also that it is not always easy to draw those lines as relationships are not always easy to put into 'boxes'.

Looking in the Mirror

I find it fascinating to know what people see when they look at me and how they view my personality. At best it is great to know people look at you positively, and at worst you at least become aware of how aspects of yourself can be viewed negatively and work on fixing these.

People seem to have vastly different opinions on me that really become quite confusing, I have been told both that I come across as arrogant and that I don't seem to have much confidence, that I am very talkative and that I am too quiet, that I come across as, quote "a bit of a dumb blonde" and that I use language that is too complicated and intimidates people. Perhaps these opinions reflect the vast extremes of my personality - whilst I have a lot of confidence in some areas, in others I completely lack it, and with this confidence comes my ability to talk the hind legs off a donkey, whilst when I feel insecure and that I have nothing valuable to say I will simply stay quiet. However people perceive me though, I am aware of my real personality and am able to brush off negative comments which I do not feel are accurate, or take on board criticism and try to act better in the future.

Comments about my looks however, have always been much harder for me to take. Perhaps this is because I am aware of how my own perception can be warped and therefore that I cannot really trust what I see when I look in the mirror. At 18, a size 8, and spending around 15 hour a week in the gym, I still remember refusing to go out one evening because everything I owned made me look fat. These days, I look back at the few photos I allowed to be taken of me at that time and wonder what had possessed me. Whilst those were very extreme times, an obsession with the way I look will always remain hidden under the surface; I feel an obsessive need to be perfect in everything I do and when this is focused on my body, diet and exercise get dangerously out of hand. I can therefore never rely on what I see to tell me how I really look.

Recently I have had two very nice compliments, one person telling me I was 'above average' looking, and another person telling me that someone who wasn't interested me needed their head examining. It struck me how hard I found it to have any faith or belief in either of these comments. Passing comments from my ex-mother-in-law-to-be that I should go on a diet, however, I could take weeks to get over, hating my reflection every time I caught it in passing.  Compliments however, leave me looking in the mirror wondering what on earth that person could be seeing in me that I simply cannot see. I suppose perception is individual to each person and the laws of attraction will mean that some people will see things that other people won't.

As I have got older, it has become easier to accept what I see in the mirror, even grow to see parts of my reflection that I vaguely like from certain angles, to try not to focus on the parts I want to change. However I doubt I will ever have an accurate view of myself because I cannot view myself from outside my own issues with my body and personality. I have come a long way to be comfortable with what I see in the mirror, perhaps then in reality it is better that I will never really know how I appear to anyone else.

Where to go next?

I have never had much time for the question of where to go next, partly I suppose because it has always been set out - for the last seven years I have been in a relationship with someone I always took for granted was 'the one' (despite not believing in 'the one' as such) and where to go next in life and work was planned out - a series of goals I was working towards one stage at a time. Now that I have no relationship and work has no immediate goal I must admit to being at a loss as to where I go from here.

Many of my friends have suggested that I should be thinking about the person I want to be with next - making a 'list' of things, a mental checklist for any potential date. One friend even went as far as to suggest that I should then highlight the absolutely essential qualities in any man. After I had finished choking on my drink I ventured the opinion that making a list was the stupidest thing I had ever heard in my life, only to find several open mouthed people looking at me - apparently creating this 'list' is something every girl does - I must be missing that gene along with the one that makes girls dream about weddings and white dresses.

The thing is that while I have a vague plan for work and life in general I have never had a plan for relationships. I follow my heart not my head in general and go wherever it leads me. My heart right now is telling me that it has moved on and is ready to have someone new around. As for that someone new, well I suppose in reality I am not too short of options - just options that I would actually want to take up. As usual I suppose,  I want what I cannot have - or who I cannot have.  So the only tentative plan I have in that respect for now is not to get too wrapped up in someone who I cannot have, not to jump into anything too quickly, not to commit too much, and just to see how things go.

In the meantime where to go next in work has been decided for me and time is slowly ticking down until I will be moving on. This I find very unsettling, I enjoy where I am and have no particular desire to move on, in fact I would probably say the exact opposite.

In general then I guess the question of where to go next is answered for me - I have little to no control over where my heart leads me and little to no control over where work sends me. Planning for any of this would perhaps involve so many lists of potential wants and needs that I would bury myself in a pile of A3 sheets.

No, definitely best to live life day by day and see where it takes me....for now at least.