O.K. to not be O.K.

In the last few months I have been ranging from feeling terribly low to high as a kite. I have tried however, to act through all of this like everything is ok. What I have realised now is that it's well and truly not ok. I have been on what can only be described as a self-destruct mission since ending my seven year relationship, doing so many things that are entirely unlike me. All in all, while I am happy when I have company and people around me, the minute I am on my own I am very unhappy and questioning all the decisions I have made in my life.

Whilst I was in a relationship I knew there was always someone there; someone who liked and wanted to be around me. Since I split up with my ex I sometimes feel like there is actually no one in the world who likes me. I have always been a bit paranoid about what people think of me, and finding out how few of mine and my ex's mutual friends were actually my friends has had an impact on making this worse. I am now dependent of my friends for company, and for people to be there for me in a crisis and the thought that there might be no one is terrifying. It's easy to feel like people don't know who I really am, or will judge me for the stupid mistakes I can regularly make.

Too many mistakes I have made in the last few months have been because I have simply been desperate to make everything better, to fix things too quick. Perhaps though what I need to realise is that it is ok to not be ok. I am recently out of a hugely serious relationship, my life has changed dramatically and I have made mistakes that are not going to be fixed overnight. Expecting that I will be perfectly happy, mentally sane and loving everything about my life is unrealistic. It is going to take time and effort to get my life the way I want it and I have to accept that. For now I have to put aside my perfectionism and accept that it is ok for things to be less than perfect, allow myself time to heal and forgive my numerous mistakes.

The Dating Game

Being a recently single twenty-something and with my last experience of being single in my teens I have managed, in the last four months, to get myself into a full variety of unfortunate situations for all kinds of reasons.  What has struck me in particular are peoples motives for their actions. It seems that it is no longer as simple as boy-meets-girl.

I have always following the very simple principle of ‘he’s-just-not-that-into-you’ and I have to admit that this has worked pretty well for me and I am still somewhat of a believer in this.  Certainly from my point of view people are all too quick to introduce complicated reasons and suggestions to my behaviour towards them that are in reality completely wrong.  Last weekend I was told I was ‘emotionally unavailable’.  Very true.  Of course the reason I was emotionally unavailable was because I already knew that I didn’t want to be with that person. In the circumstances it seemed easier to just agree than to explain that I just didn’t find the person that attractive.

The reality is that although I have perhaps rather justly earned myself a reputation as a bit of a player, even perhaps a man-eater (ouch!) the truth is that I have a short attention span and I am just not into any of those men. All (well most) are perfectly nice guys and begin as possibilities but it fairly quickly becomes clear that given a choice between the pub with my friends and them I would always choose the pub, so there is no point continuing things any further.

I know so many people who feel the need to always be with someone, and who will throw themselves entirely into something they already feel isn’t completely right. I have never been one of those people and when I was younger always expected that I would be single and actually rather enjoyed it. Now I finally understand what those people felt; I have to admit that it’s a rather lonely Saturday night when all your friends are with their respective partners and you’re contemplating a M&S dine-in for two (to be eaten by one!). So it is easy to settle for less and to date someone for a prolonged period whom you know is completely unsuitable.

What I have learnt however is that when you play the dating game, you should always consider the other side of the story. Someday you might be the person waking up and wishing that date from last night would call, waiting for the phone-call or text that, after a sufficient amount of time spent obsessively checking your phone, you realise will never come. Not only that but, although my rule holds true 95% of the time, there are genuine situations where things are more complicated. Or, more accurately there is a specific reason (like a messy break-up from a seven year relationship or liking someone else) why the rule holds true and it is not specifically about the other person. All this leads to hundred, thousands, potentially millions of reasons why you can reject someone.

The dating game looks fun from the outside; in reality it is messy, time-consuming and more trouble than it’s worth nine times out of ten. Not only that but in my opinion nothing, not a hundred great dates, not the most charming guy in the world, can replace that one in a million feeling where you just Know. What do you Know; well I don’t believe in ‘the one’, but perhaps that there is some basic chemical connection with that person that makes them different. So I will play the dating game for a while, but nothing short of finding that will tempt me into anything past a third date.  I want to wake up in the morning with someone I don’t want to leave. Otherwise it’s always much better to wake up alone.