O.K. to not be O.K.

In the last few months I have been ranging from feeling terribly low to high as a kite. I have tried however, to act through all of this like everything is ok. What I have realised now is that it's well and truly not ok. I have been on what can only be described as a self-destruct mission since ending my seven year relationship, doing so many things that are entirely unlike me. All in all, while I am happy when I have company and people around me, the minute I am on my own I am very unhappy and questioning all the decisions I have made in my life.

Whilst I was in a relationship I knew there was always someone there; someone who liked and wanted to be around me. Since I split up with my ex I sometimes feel like there is actually no one in the world who likes me. I have always been a bit paranoid about what people think of me, and finding out how few of mine and my ex's mutual friends were actually my friends has had an impact on making this worse. I am now dependent of my friends for company, and for people to be there for me in a crisis and the thought that there might be no one is terrifying. It's easy to feel like people don't know who I really am, or will judge me for the stupid mistakes I can regularly make.

Too many mistakes I have made in the last few months have been because I have simply been desperate to make everything better, to fix things too quick. Perhaps though what I need to realise is that it is ok to not be ok. I am recently out of a hugely serious relationship, my life has changed dramatically and I have made mistakes that are not going to be fixed overnight. Expecting that I will be perfectly happy, mentally sane and loving everything about my life is unrealistic. It is going to take time and effort to get my life the way I want it and I have to accept that. For now I have to put aside my perfectionism and accept that it is ok for things to be less than perfect, allow myself time to heal and forgive my numerous mistakes.